Hate Speech vs. Kink Speech, The Taboo, and Yours Truly
I should clarify some things here. I’ve been meaning to post this for a while, but a peer I respect and enjoy recently questioned my use of a term, (which makes total sense and I appreciate knowing she’s out in the world making noise,) which means I am at the 11th hour of explaining this and need to cough it up.
Outside of the context of fetishes and sexuality, I do not think slurs are acceptable. I do not use them, I do not condone them, and people who make light of them are generally outrageously ignorant.
With that said.
Within the context of fetishes and sexuality, I am all for the taboo and controversial. This isn’t without some thought and a good many discussions, but the end of the day, I would defend anyone’s right to get off on their own terms with consenting participants and partners.
What does this mean exactly? Well. I support (*almost) anyone who is into, say, race play, or wants mocked for their non-heterosexual orientation, or dick size, or weight, or whatever. The taboo.
Does this mean I am a super hateful crazy person? Nope. Being accepting of taboo fetishes does not make you an inherently terrible person. In my opinion, many of the people who engage in taboo role play have closely examined their limits and motivations a little more deeply than most others. Bam. Take that, haters.
My personal discomfort is my personal discomfort, not the problem of my partners, and certainly not something they are obligated to censor their desires for. For example: Dropping the N-bomb makes my skin crawl because it’s awful, right? But what if it is a request from a client or partner? My shit, my baggage, and my (even rightfully) indoctrinated aversion to that word, doesn’t apply for this. This is fantasy, someone else’s fantasy. If a black man (or woman!) has chosen to confront their role in society and racial tensions in ways that overeducated white girls can’t understand, then fuck the overeducated white girls for judging them. Myself included.
The soapboxes we all occasionally sit atop have a surprisingly limited view of the crowd that gathers. I’ve been up there, and been super well-intentioned, and still super self-righteous and very goddamn near-sighted.
How a person internalizes their experiences as a being on this planet, and how that translates to their sexuality, is not anyone’s business to judge. (Please note I am excluding sexual interests that are actively and directly harmful to others.) If they are courageous enough to own what they are into, admit it, request it, PAY for it – then who is anyone to tell them they are … wrong? Mistaken? Self-destructive?
There are a great many versions of “I know what’s best for you” and something like 100% of them are condescending and based on the preconceptions of the person saying it. I, for one, do not feel qualified to tell someone that their kink is, what? Negatively affecting the marginalized community they are a member of that I know nothing about from personal experience? No way.
As Sea so eloquently described, which I will butcher here: A large part of what we consider taboo or offensive is totally determined by our culture. It’s arbitrary. He cited the example of role play involving Turkish and Armenian personas. Here, in the U.S., most of us wouldn’t care about that dynamic. (Or perhaps even know why it might be sensitive.) But there? WHOA, no, not okay. It is very similar to how we commonly view slave trade role play here in the states. Touchy subject right? But if you live in, say, Spain, that’s so far from being a touchy subject that you may not even be able to conceive why it would be enticing as controversial role play at all. It’s just esoteric weirdness. Our proximity to the conflict, and level of healing about it as a culture, significantly impacts how we view a fetish.
Part of my platform as a sex worker and sex educator is to avoid pathologizing behavior. It is not my place to tell anyone they are unhealthy, incorrect, or mistaken about their sexuality. It IS my place to try to understand, support, facilitate positively, and usher safely into acceptance or resolution, anyone who asks.
With THAT said: When you see insane things on this website, please remember that this is a kink website. I am engaging in role play with the whole of the internet. If it seems like I’m prodding something sensitive or controversial, I probably am, I’m probably doing it intentionally, and to address the people who are into that particular kind of play.
Part of my education, literally a requirement, has been to confront my own preconceived notions about sexuality. I had to examine the things that make me uncomfortable, really think about them, and try to understand them. The point of this process is to come to a discussion with an open mind, and learn to drop my baggage at the door. I might be super up in arms about, for example, calling a woman a worthless slut and useless fuck hole and what a fucking waste of valueless flesh she is, because I’m a pretty serious feminist. But. That shit is totally how a lot of people experience pleasure. The WOMEN who partake, empowered, brilliant, adventurous young women, want those words thrown at them. It makes them cum harder and better and I know for goddamn sure that no one should ever tell any woman they know what’s best for her, including other women who are handing out these prescriptions based on their singular experiences. Nooooope. (As an aside, I don’t think you have to be brilliant or highly-educated about the existing tensions to deserve the right to practice super taboo play. If it gets you off, it gets you off, and fuck anyone who says you need to hit the books before you cum.)
The same rule applies for people of color who want race-based role play, Queers, marginalized body types, etc. To quote myself on this exact topic: “I’m sure it feels fucking great when they are already marginalized members of society, and now have blue balls.” Passing judgment on people who have the (blue) balls to ask for what they want, especially if it’s sensitive in nature, is pretty … well, you’re a cunt, is all.
Now, I can set personal limits about far I will go, for sure – and I do. I am not just going traipse all over the world of the taboo without any consideration. (*)My limits are things like “If you want called a dirty faggot, and are actually straight, and a person who genuinely just thinks this is super derogatory but you have no personal experience with the word, then you don’t get your fucking wish. That word isn’t for you.” Likewise, I don’t want some dumb white dude paying me to call him a house nigger, because he thinks that’s exciting. Nope. That word isn’t for you. If you are an entitled little fuck who just wants to own everything ever and use it for kicks, including fucking concepts and terminology other privileged dicks invented to keep someone down, you are cordially uninvited from playing around with touchy subjects with me. If something IS YOUR WORD ALREADY, if you have EARNED THAT WORD, whatever it is, through systematic oppression and unfortunate cultural inheritance, and you have chosen to embrace it in the ways that make you feel great about orgasms, your wish is granted. You know more about your word than I do (unless it’s one we share.) I am happy to deliver it to you, gift-wrapped with a bow.
It is within our rights as people on the planet to examine and experiment with our privilege, in our sex lives.
However, being wary of people on the internet using slurs, is super legit, and you should always question it, even if just to yourself. Please do. Please motherfucking do. Don’t let that just go unchecked forever. Call people on their bullshit.
But my disclaimer, here, right now: This is a kink website and I engage in taboo kinks. I am going to say a bunch of stuff that is absolutely offensive and insane anywhere outside of the fantasy realm. Within it, however, I am not a person who is interested in hearing how you think I’m perpetrating hate speech or bigotry by choosing to engage with people who enjoy taboo play. I don’t judge them, and I’m not interested in you judging me, for not judging them. That’s ridiculous and I’ve already confronted my demons here, so you can confront yours, or avoid them as you like, but please don’t tell me you know what’s best for me or anyone else. You don’t.
(For the record, a lot of this can be connected to sex workers and sex worker rights, too. And you all know my position on that. People judge us, and say we are harming ourselves, and that we are negatively impacting sex and moral living and all that – and we all agree that this line of thinking is total bullshit. Puhleeze.)
For more information and further consideration about the taboo:
The entire history of sexuality, where people have been judged and pathologized for healthy behaviors because it offended an outsider.
… Something like a billion fetlife discussions I can’t even begin to introduce you to.
And last, but certainly not least, I will soon post for you some thoughts on Financial Domination, which is taboo even among the taboo, but absolutely a legitimate fetish that is widely misunderstood and *often* judged by people who practice kink and claim to be open and accepting of kinks. Watch out.
P.S. I am, as you know, not straight, and a sex worker, and several other things. I totally, totally call my girlfriends dirty faggot sluts and grind their faces into my cunt while spouting weird guilt trips and saying horrible things. Because taboo is hot. I practice what I preach behind the scenes, when I ain’t gettin’ paid.