On “Finding A Domme”

Okay, it’s morning and I’m on my first cup of coffee. I already have ten emails about “finding a domme,” all very specifically from people who cannot, and they are written like shit.

I’m pissed. And it’s my blog party and I’ll cry/yell if I want to.

1. If you think your opening line, to a Domme, being “IT IS SO HARD TO FIND A GOOD DOMME” is going to make any of us jump up and down and raise our hands, you are sorely mistaken. No one is entering into you weird, arbitrary value system to see how well they score. You will find Pros that can handle your ass in paid chunks, and no one else. (Pros are great, I am one, but we are trained to be the buffer between dumbasses and self-important little weasels with senses of entitlement, and the lifestyle world of BDSM, where they in no way belong with those kinds of manners.)

2. Every Domme knows a couple subs who remain polite, thoughtful and generous, while being excellent caretakers and luxury providers (by the way, I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about breakfast in bed,) and they are still unowned, and know that complaining is not the way to make progress. If they present themselves as the best sub they can be, we notice, and eventually everyone hits the jackpot. THESE gentlemen (and ladies!) are who get a collar slapped on them. Not the people who sent out a dozen emails a day that have a paragraph of graphic descriptions of fetishes, then end with complaining that no one writes back and everyone is a fake. Come on.

3. You assholes, YOU, are who ensure that DOMMES STAY SINGLE TOO. Do you think we have a cakewalk through some fruitful orchard of excellent subs? Are you for real? Just because you want your dick played with, doesn’t make you a great guy to know. We aren’t fake, you just fucking suck, and there are a lot of you, so we stay single and hopeful and fuck you for thinking you are special. 

4. 90% of you guys are white and privileged, which I’m sure you roll your eyes at, and kind of proves the point. You aren’t conscious of your privilege, to such an extent that mention of it bothers you. (Please just learn to accept it. Like, I know I’m tall and a cunt. You should know and accept that you are privileged.)  You have jobs, cars, usually an education, and a fucking internet connection. (And computer! And have been taught the skills to use it!)  You do not know hardship in finding partners like, say, small town LGBT(QIA) residents who have no money, no car, certainly no MacBooks, and a community of people who want to literally kill them. And this population of the world is pretty big, actually. They cannot email a bunch of potential dates, they cannot drive two hours to pay for a quickie with a Pro, they are fucking alone. You are not alone. You are just dating. This is what dating is. You work at it for years to find a good match. Do not gripe to me (or anyone) about your awful position of having every resource in the world to find a good match, then shockingly admit you’ve never read a book about the subject and don’t go to munches. Motherfucker, you are not trying. You are waiting for someone to land in your lap. Good luck with that.

5. If you think “Good Dommes” just woke up and were awesome one day, you are fucking crazy. We read all the books, did all the training, did all the mentoring, did all the community events and workshops. We busted our asses to be excellent at this. Do you seriously think we are interested in anyone whose only qualification or effort is being “willing,” for real? Man. Just, no.

A dear dear friend of mine and highly competent Dom (poorlytoldjoke), just now on Twitter, sent me this in response to my angry tweets, and if it sounds like you, I hope you die of shame:

@MistressYve Let’s be honest, pop culture has taught people that relationships are just stumbled onto, and are never difficult.

@MistressYve Anything less than perfection is unacceptable, and anything that requires effort is a sign that it’s not working.

And I agree totally, I do, but it’s no excuse. Ignorance of the law is no excuse. This isn’t television. You don’t just meet some supermodel with a riding crop and clumsily spill an artisan cupcake onto her boot, to which she smiles and says “LICK IT OFF BITCH!” and just like magic, you are in love forever.

You will never, ever get that. Ever.

You WILL get the chance to succeed in romance IF you give any shits and stop thinking the world owes you a “good domme” just because you want one and sent out like 20 whole emails! Grrr! Emails are so hard! All these bitches are fake! GRRR!

In brief, when you send me those, I am reading an email that says “I wrote all your peers and women you love and respect, and didn’t get my way, so I think they are all trash and want you to make it up to me.” … And my universal response, for all eternity, is that I hope you die alone, carrying all that bitterness in your heart. And you will, actually, so I’m pretty happy.